Vaguely Intelligent Canine Overlords

A dog has won a talent show tonight. The canine world is moving forward in strides, credit where it’s due. It has upped it’s game. The human race on the other hand, I am worried about. When is the last time a person won a talent show? I mean an actual human being with layers of personailty and a unique outlook on life? A real life person? I think it might be Craig the scouse brickie who won the first series of Big Brother. Ever since then the contestants have been an ever mophing devolutionary cul de sac that has spread to other arenas of tv in general. Geordie Shore, Katie Price, X Factor make me think being taken over by a race of vaguely intelligent canine overlords may be an improvement.

Dr. Alan Grant (paleontologist/hero) suggested in one of his lectures (Jurassic Park 3, 2001) that if velociraptors had been allowed to evolve they would have been the dominant species on planet earth instead of us glorious humans. And sure why wouldn’t they? They can open doors and jump really high, two unfathomably important skills in life. Humans can open doors, just fifty percent of the raptors capabilities. I mean some people have long toe nails but they can’t compete with a velociraptor in that regard. And that is just my limited knowledge of prehistoric version velociraptors. Version 2.0 could have little leather shoes that allow the toenail to move freely or suits that have a hole for the tail to account for  torsion when jumping large distances. The possibilities are endless really.

So to look upon the potential situation in a cautionary but firmly intelligent manner we must hypothetically evaluate how well a velociraptor would do on Britains Got Talent. First off we must assume for the purposes of the evaluation that raptors embrace the notion of nationality and don’t live in one bustling urban sprawl named Velociropolis. Secondly we must try and imagine what raptor judges would see as constituting talent. I assume the general sphere of raptor talent would have evolved from the basics of hunting and survival. Some form of culture would have been developed, I can see them engaging in some form of operatic screeching if I’m honest.

All that of course is assuming they don’t stick classless devolutionaries with great wads of silicon surgically wedged into their chests on social pedestals and let dogs win talent shows whilst wondering why popular culture is going to fuck.

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