Football Penguin Classics

Football Crow

Football Crow! He scores when he wants!

Arjen Robben

Le Tissier

Le Tissier

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I was playing around with ideas on how to display information and thought I'd rate these three metallica albums...

Vaguely Intelligent Canine Overlords

A dog has won a talent show tonight. The canine world is moving forward in strides, credit where it’s due. It has upped it’s game. The human race on the other hand, I am worried about. When is the last time a person won a talent show? I mean an actual human being with layers of personailty and a unique outlook on life? A real life person? I think it might be Craig the scouse brickie who won the first series of Big Brother. Ever since then the contestants have been an ever mophing devolutionary cul de sac that has spread to other arenas of tv in general. Geordie Shore, Katie Price, X Factor make me think being taken over by a race of vaguely intelligent canine overlords may be an improvement.

Dr. Alan Grant (paleontologist/hero) suggested in one of his lectures (Jurassic Park 3, 2001) that if velociraptors had been allowed to evolve they would have been the dominant species on planet earth instead of us glorious humans. And sure why wouldn’t they? They can open doors and jump really high, two unfathomably important skills in life. Humans can open doors, just fifty percent of the raptors capabilities. I mean some people have long toe nails but they can’t compete with a velociraptor in that regard. And that is just my limited knowledge of prehistoric version velociraptors. Version 2.0 could have little leather shoes that allow the toenail to move freely or suits that have a hole for the tail to account for  torsion when jumping large distances. The possibilities are endless really.

So to look upon the potential situation in a cautionary but firmly intelligent manner we must hypothetically evaluate how well a velociraptor would do on Britains Got Talent. First off we must assume for the purposes of the evaluation that raptors embrace the notion of nationality and don’t live in one bustling urban sprawl named Velociropolis. Secondly we must try and imagine what raptor judges would see as constituting talent. I assume the general sphere of raptor talent would have evolved from the basics of hunting and survival. Some form of culture would have been developed, I can see them engaging in some form of operatic screeching if I’m honest.

All that of course is assuming they don’t stick classless devolutionaries with great wads of silicon surgically wedged into their chests on social pedestals and let dogs win talent shows whilst wondering why popular culture is going to fuck.

Gone are the days of the heaving biomass. Gone is the noise.

One dimensional football fans are dead. Football fans used to be a hive mind organism we would see bulging in a stand on television or find ourselves a part of on the way to a match. A big screaming finger jabbing food consuming monster with no coherence or academic faculties. An organic biomass wearing thirty thousand replica jerseys and only exercising it's vocal chords. A mobile worship unit for the hero of the day. 

But now. Oh, but now. This biomass has been spliced and diced and each newly severed entity has been implanted with opinions and thoughts and preferences and wants and hopes and formations and this and that. Go onto twitter right now and you will find someone who has written a blog about what fingers Xavi scratches his arse with. Dig deeper and you will find someone writing a counter argument. It's that scary. 

No wonder Anfield has turned into a crypt where the only noise is Bill Shankly turning over in his grave to wipe the vomit from his mouth at Stewart Downing prancing up and down the wing, each kilometer bringing him closer to his titanic sized pay packet. 

The unthinking biomass is gone and in its place are the football hipsters. Each one dissecting the performance and identifying the false 9's here and there in anticipation of updating 'Musings on the Game via Bauhaus design principles and Curry Cheese Chips' when they get home. Downing is of course pioneering his own niche position, the false footballer. 

I run a blog on Joseph Kony & Arjen Robbens cleaning lady. I run a blog on Rastafarianism & how Gary Pallister has nothing to do with it. I run a blog on Blogs & how they affect introverted wingers. I pick my nose and draw pictures of Bill Cosby on the side of Petit Filous containers which I then arrange in 4-4-2 formation and photograph it. And the list goes on and on and on and on and on. And the stadiums get quieter and quieter and quieter….

Football Esoterica

The aim for the 'Football Esoterica' collection of shirts is to appeal to the football fan whose taste goes deeper than a players face on a shirt or a logo of a massive team or corporation. This is football through the looking glass. I think the market is saturated with designs that tip toe around a copyright minefield by vaguely alluding to an icon or famous match. I want to fully embrace my creativity and develop shirts that stir the imagination whilst simultaneously keeping football as the main focus. It’s a beautiful game and I want to make beautiful art of it. People have said to me that the average fan won’t know what ‘football esoterica’ is or who would want to wear a bearded lady on their chest? I believe there is a new more erudite breed of football fan that will appreciate these designs and the off kilter subject matter they portray. I aim to cater for those fans. Now the trick is finding them! I would greatly appreciate any feedback on these designs or if you know someone who would like them then please feel free to pass on this link.


The Kalahari shirt is in the process of being made so I'll post pics when I get the finished product.

Thanks :)