Recently I had the pleasure to visit the Indonesian island of Bali. Upon landing in Denpasar airport, I headed for the toilets. Situated right above the urinals was a fish tank. Living there were some bored looking fish. As I took care of business my eyes met with one fish that was nearly motionless. It was, it seemed, looking straight at my penis. After eyeballing it for a while I recalled an article I had read recently that dashed the well known fact that fish have a three second memory. To hell with all that pompous talk of time-lapse memory, they were fully functioning.
As I washed my hands, another man had stepped up and was using the same urinal I had. I glanced over at the fish as I scrubbed. It was in the same place; just staring vacantly at this guys willy. Jesus, I thought, how many willies has this fish seen?
Seeing as airports are open for business at all hours and fish don’t generally take long naps, that amounted to a lot of willies. Doing a quick calculation I estimated that if seven men (a conservative estimate in my opinion) used that urinal every hour on average then that amounted to one thousand, one hundred and seventy six willies seen in one week alone. The annual visual intake of willies that this fish has is staggering; sixty one thousand, one hundred and fifty two willies. Colossal.
How does all this gratuitous talk of willies amount to anything remotely related to football? Well I got to thinking of how seeing this much willies would affect this fish. How would the result manifest itself? I was stumped, how could I figure that out? I’d need an aquatic Sigmund Freud on hand and that was a ridiculous hope. So I began idly trying to make a connection between this fish and its abundance of willy watching to something in a more regular domain of life that I could relate to.
Then it hit me; professional footballers seeing an unnatural amount of faces screwed up into a complete and proud hatred, screaming abuse at them for ninety minutes every match day. How would that manifest itself? Answers on a postcard please (or in the comments, I don't mind).